First email I had sent to my best friend upon my return to USA



I thought I would share a copy of the first email I had sent to my great old friend Richard C upon my return to the United States

Hello Richard.  Sorry I have not written you recently.  Given the circumstances, self created though they may be, I hope that you will forgive me.  As soon as I came back to the States I was inundated by legal injunctions, demands depositions, subpoenas and no end of requests for documents and other information from the numerous “Trip and fall” lawsuits that have been my constant companion these past 25 years.  This is on top of my legal issues with the Belize authorities and demands from the way too many women in my life. I have not had a spare moment.  I do apologize.

I was glad to hear in your last email that you saw the visage of Jesus appear on you fresh out-of-the-toaster English muffin a few Sundays back.   I was curious how you recognized the image as belonging to Jesus?  No-one photographed or painted him in person, to my limited knowledge.   The verbal descriptions are scant.  The images of Jesus that formed the modern consciousness of the “Face of Jesus” were all painted in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries by massively egotistical and twisted artists, none of whom were able to get Jesus to agree to a portrait sitting, so they made shit up.  Eventually the paintings all merged on images by the most popular artists.  I think you actually  saw the face of Tim Cathway – the man who sells hot dogs on the Santa Cruz Boardwalk, and who has a face and beard identical to Rafael’s depiction of Jesus.  Meeting Tim was what made me believe in time travel.  Otherwise, how would Rafael have known exactly what Tim looked like?  I mean, Tim was not available for a sitting with Rafael in our existing Time Continuum. I’ve been watching Tim closely for a number of years now.  I hope to have a revealing report available soon.

Anyway, odd coincidences, conjoined with drugs and a chance meeting with a Hari Krishna, a Scientologist or a Baptist minister has changed many a life.  Don’t add yourself to that list unless your looking to part with substantial cash or other generally needed resources.

I was sorry to hear that the excitement index for you life has reached its max.  If you crave boredom I can assist.  I could buy you a copy of the congressional record for any given year and you could dive into it with full heart and mind.  alternately, I posses a book of Sunday sermons delivered  by a particularly banal Lutheran minister in Iowa that I could lend you.  It is my all time favourite cure for excitement.  I had it with me while on the run with Samantha in Belize.  It us a high value book with few pages – therefore very small and light.  The financial strategist in me made me bring it.  At one point, while we were hiding in a swamp,  the Federal soldiers were less than 20 yards away and looking for us with a vengeance.   After a few minutes of reading I was inclined to jump up and scream out: “Christ, will someone just shoot me please!”.  Samantha, possessing a cooler head than myself, sensed my imminent move and suggested that she would remove my balls and sew them to my ears if i “made a fucking sound”.  The image alone brought me to my senses.  In any case my friend, if you need assistance with this excitement problem let me know.

I was shocked, by the way, to read that you believe I spend too much time fucking, to the detriment of the rest of my life.  I see it differently:  the rest of my life interferes with my fucking.  We have to ask, my friend, “what is important?”  Is it a person’s job, their family, their hobbies, their pets, their obligations to the rest of humanity?  Is it their beliefs, their religion, their golf scores?  Are any of these more or less important than fucking?  I can find no proof either way.  If you can enlighten me I would be grateful.  Which brings me to your medical issues:

I suspect your doctors are of the typical variety and therefore should be treated as wayward, mentally impaired children.  Their diagnoses should be stored in a safe place so that future generations might marvel at the absurdity of this ancient science and gain some humorous pleasure at the reading of them.  But they should in no way be taken seriously.   I’m beginning to think you just need to get laid.  I’m positive that in Roanoke you can cut a deal with a hooker that will provide you with regular sex for far less than what you have been paying these idiot doctors.  In addition, most hookers, unlike doctors, actually have a heart.  This alone may be a healing factor.

Your final comment, that I “appear to be bending to the beliefs if others rather than standing, as you say I used to stand, on a platform supported by my own beliefs.”  I assure you that my platform is more mine now than it ever was.  I’m merely becoming more polite.

Other people’s beliefs rule the world and we have to make choices based on those beliefs.  If I choose to sell Bibles in the Bible Belt I will probably do well.  If I choose to sell bibles in San   Francisco I may do poorly.  If I visit a hard core Republican I will likely choose to not talk about a woman’s right to have an abortion – out of politeness if nothing else.  If I am in Shipyard, I always choose not to carry a camera, since Mennonites are offended by cameras.  Every thought, feeling and action in this world is moulded by someone’s belief, either our own or some other person’s.  We wear clothes because of beliefs.  We celebrate, or ignore holidays because of beliefs and we wholeheartedly join in on holidays that we do not believe in.  We curtail our language because of other people’s beliefs – abandoning the customary curse words in the presence of the devout.  We wear green on St. Patrick’s day even if we are not Irish.  There is no action in life that is not tarnished by other people’s beliefs.   Enough said.

I will leave with a letter that I sent to Carrie Levy, the photo editor for Wired Magazine a month before the magazine published Josh Davis’s now famous “McAfee’s Last Stand” article.  It was clear within the first few days of Josh’s visit that Josh did not have honourable motives in writing the article so I assumed my normal “fuck with me I make fun with you” attitude.

Be well Richard.  I will write more later when I am in a more upbeat mood.
As always, your friend,

Here Is my email to the wired people


From: John McAfee
Date: October 10, 2012 8:25:41 PM CST
To: “Levy, Carrie” Joshua Davis
Subject: Re: Wired Magazine
Ask Josh, if he truly wanted a From: John McAfee
Date: October 10, 2012 8:25:41 PM CST
To: “Levy, Carrie” Joshua Davis
Subject: Re: Wired Magazine
Please ask Josh why,  if he truly wanted to write a decent story, why he chose to sleep with my wife the second day after he arrived.  And why did he continue to sleep with her at every opportunity the entire time that he was here?  Quite frankly Ms. Carrie, I spent less than two hours being interviewed by him as opposed to the nearly 200 hours he spent interviewing my wife about me.  I thought these devious journalistic deceptions had been abandoned decades ago by reputable publications.  And, sadly, this is not the worst of it Ms. Carrie.  Mr. Davis sank so low as to make an unsuccessful pass at my 17 year old daughter and had the gall to offer her an ounce of cocaine providing she would keep her mouth shut about it.  I found the bag half full in her room two days after josh left, along with a note from Josh inviting her to come see him in San Francisco.  The note concluded with the suggestion that she bring along Sharina, her 16 year old friend – the one that went with Josh to Belize City for two nights on the last week he was here.  I’m not blaming him mind you – she is a succulent piece of work to be sure, and I envied Josh his skill at ensnaring her attentions, but the bastard left her in Belize City with no money and no way home after he walked off with the Creole dwarf who had approached him on Taylor Street and angrily demanded that he pay her the money that he owed her.  I was forced to go to Belize City myself to rescue poor Sharina, and it took three days and nights of my valuable time consoling the poor thing at the Maruba Jungle Spa.  Josh has refused, by the way, to reimburse me for my expenses relating this tragic set of circumstances.
Now that I have your attention Ms. Carrie, I would be delighted to work with your photographer on the 13th.  Let me know arrival times and I will arrange a pickup.
John McAfee
P.S. Could you please ask Josh to send a bit of that righteous blow (the same he gifted to my daughter) down with the photographer.
WhoIsMcAfee Avatar

23 responses to “First email I had sent to my best friend upon my return to USA”

  1. nameless Avatar

    hey john, pls gimme a job…i dont knw anything, but i request u to allot a job for me… 🙁

  2. Josh Avatar


    Just saw you video about ‘uninstalling’ McAfee. Ha ha.

    If you get any more such emails about questions to remove the program, just redirect them all and we’d be glad to help them out.

    And you enjoy taking the back up 😉

  3. David Snider Avatar
    David Snider

    Once again I must compare you to Hunter S. Thompson. Your way of thinking and writing style are so much alike. And it’s funny how that all comes full circle…George writing for you which is played by Johnny Depp in blow and is friends with George and was also close fiends with Hunter. Seems the universe has gravitated like minds together. Too bad Hunter is gone though.

  4. Nepa Avatar

    Right on JM. Both emails are a bomb. Reminds me of Quentin Tarrantino movies ….

  5. Christy Avatar

    Entertaining, as always. Thanks for a little fun on a slow Sat. night.

  6. SL Avatar

    These avatars come from gravatar. You sign up with them and set your avatar. Then every social media/blog site that uses them will have your avatar appear.

    That’s what I did to be able to get my second life profile picture to be displayed. The little cartoon monsters are the default avatars.

  7. SSD Avatar

    can i be multi-color instead of green?

  8. SSD Avatar

    yet another twist the the game involving the mind of jm
    depending on how to read this you could gain loads of information regarding fact v. fiction
    sometimes I feel we as the “human” race spend too much time disecting the facts that are in front of us the whole time.
    something to chew on….

  9. Figureitout Avatar

    John, if you’re trying to contact me, next time write your reasons on a piece of paper.

  10. Reality Avatar

    Kool aid………Get it? 😉

  11. SL Avatar

    It is performance art. You know…parody, humor.

    Like the observational yoga…

    Get it?

  12. M Avatar

    To me, the sadness that seems to pour out of the author through that text is intense.

    It left me wanting to offer a hug, despite it appearing the author may recoil from even the friendliest of those.

    The email to Wired is very creative. I enjoyed the story.

  13. The John McAfee Story Avatar

    I really like the Wired email … more of those please 🙂
    Best read since … The Crazy Secret Journal of John McAfee, Volume 1: The Girl Assassin

  14. sandwillow Avatar

    What do these 2 letters have in common? Is there a relationship that you are trying to show?

    John, Would it be to much to ask you to add a comment with an explanation such as: I was a little pissed at Josh and wrote this letter, it was a joke.?.

    When I read this I honestly thought the site had been hacked.

  15. Aryeh Goretsky Avatar


    I can understand your attachment to the book of Sunday sermons, but those really are not for reading while in the jungle while exfiltrating from a hostile force. I do hope that in the future, you will limit reading to while in a place of worship.


    Aryeh Goretsky

  16. WEB Avatar

    !Brilliant! Just wish I\’d known it was ok to let \’em fly when talking to Richard…..there\’s always next time ;)Now that would have been fun to read on Wired, but of course, they have no balls…..did Sam get to them already?lol

  17. Reality Avatar

    Umm, you spent 3 days at a jungle spa, with a sixteen year old?? Consoling…?I don\’t get it.

  18. Marco Avatar

    Epic! I love it. Keep up the good work John.

  19. SL Avatar

    As always your writing is entertaining, informative and a little off kilter all wrapped up with a nice little bow.

    Loved the email to Wired. Very creative.

  20. Powerisastateofmind Avatar

    Been reading Hunter S Thompson, have we? We can tell…

  21. Mentor Avatar

    Fucking epic. Disclaimer: the use of the word fucking was in no way, shape or form meant to be used as a pun.